Welcome to the end of week 5 of my 6 week break! I have been thinking about posting for a couple weeks but have struggled to know where to start or what to write. If you have followed this blog for any length of time, you will have noticed that this struggle is not unusual, even as it frustrates me.
So we'll start where I left off...
The bathroom looks great and is a refreshing change from the overwhelming yellow-gross colour that formerly dominated the room. My flatmate and I had a great time in Syracuse, shopping and relaxing in a hotel there. Then I flew away on the wings of an United Airlines commuter plane to disembark in the almost tropical (26 degrees Celsius) climate of Kansas City, Missouri (pronounced 'miz-UR-ah' by southerners, so Mr. Jim tells me and I believe him cause I heard it more than once).
Kansas City, MO.
There is always some confusion when I go to KC, from so many people. They ask, 'Where are you going?' And I excitedly say, 'To IHOP'. And they look at my funny and say, 'For how long?'. And I reply with increased enthusiasm, '12 days!' or whatever length of time I am going for. Then I have to explain to them that I am going to the International House of Prayer not the International House of Pancakes. Again they look a little puzzled but accept that I would be flying halfway across to the country to pray for 12 days more readily than the possibility of me going to eat pancakes for 12 days. The first time I ever told people that I was going to 'IHOP' I truly did not know the Pancake House existed, so it was an honest mistake. Now I still do not think about the Pancake House when I say it, but I am making a conscious effort to say IHOP-KC in order to help them out. I completely understand where I am going and what I am talking about, but I will make accommodation for those who do not live in my brain.
IHOP-KC has always been a very busy place for me and a place that included my sister. I would go down there to visit her because she worked there, and got the bonus of spending hours with Jesus in the prayer room. So I would plan my schedule around hers. The first few times I was there I went to the OneThing conference which was ridiculously busy! It's an amazing conference but helping my sister prepare and then attending the conference morning till night for 5 days was always exhausting for my little introverted personality. It always felt like we were running, even as it was very life-giving.
This visit was VERY different because it was far less busy and it was the first time I had been there since my sister moved back to Canada. So the first few days were strange and I had to learn how to BE, without her there. Have you ever had the experience of spending time in a place with a specific person always in attendance and not have them with you the next time you go there? It was weird. It was like these familiar places and people were unfamiliar again. There was definitely an air of something missing, especially the first few days in the house she used to live in. All I can say is this... it was a strange type of re-learning: a place I already knew well, a space I was already comfortable in, and people I already knew and loved.
As I re-learned how to be in KC, I realized that my identity down there was completely entangled with my sister. The Lord, in His kindness, kept showing me that I relied on her status (and previously her being there) to make me feel part of things and worth getting to know (in other words valued). He allowed insecurity to rise and for me to grapple with who I was there....which ultimately is grappling with who I am here and everywhere (I will probably share more on that later).
For now, you have probably heard enough. But this was only week 2 of 6 weeks, so there will be many more entries as I process this through.
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