How far away is NeverNeverland? And how to do you get there? The answer is pretty simple, you look into the sky, see the second star to the right and fly straight on till morning. So simple when you think about it.....so complicated when you go to do it.
That's been the last month for me. So simple and yet so complicated. I feel like I'm Al Pacino in 'Scent of Woman' driving blind.
I got back to work to spend the last couple weeks of April feeling completely out of the loop and at a loss as to how to do my job. During April last year, I was furiously finishing the final prep for the spring season and welcoming staff to Camp. This year......I was.......slowly trying to figure out each day what I was supposed to be doing. I can't say that I minded not knowing some things however it is weird for me not to know a whole lot of what's going on, and that just taps into some of my deepest issues, such as value and identity.
I started working on a few things that I was pretty sure needed doing. I was also shifted to host late a few nights a week and to participate in some paddle training events. Between late hosting shifts (2-10pm) based out of the dining hall, cooking out trip menu items and being out on the water doing paddle training with my staff, I did not spent much time in the office in April and early May. I have loved the paddle time and getting to know staff better in a different environment, however, I still feel out of the loop, and like I am missing something that will be hard to fix later (that's the driving blind reference).
I keep praying that the Lord will direct either myself or someone at work to catch things I am not aware of so that I can make sure they get done before summer.
As I shared in my last post, my vacation was good but it was interestingly full of revelation. The Lord kept highlighting moments where my insecurities were triggered. Well, guess what?! They did not get resolved upon coming back to life and work. In some ways, my insecurities are heightened and in the two weeks leading up to the start of Ellel Modular B, which I am taking this year......the Lord was not letting off the hook.
At home and at work, the Lord was pointing out my behaviour and showing me the truth of how I was reacting and trying to cope. It was not pretty....and probably still isn't. I stated throughout Modular A that God likes to start the learning process at least a couple days before each modular weekend, thus preparing me for what I will be working on with Him during the sessions. It should not have surprised me that the teaching would be on exchanging lies for truth and allowing the Lord to change me and my behaviour by getting rid of the roots of those lies.
Alas, I was surprised. I thought 'Transformed by the Renewing of Your Mind', sounded like a light start to Modular B and was not connecting my behaviour to that topic at all. Yep, I was a little stunned when Friday nights' teaching was all about the stuff that I had been trying to deal with in the weeks prior to that session.
I have been undone at times and frazzled at other times, overwhelmed by seeing myself with new eyes and trying to figure out how to change behaviour that seems so much a part of myself. I am not a very secure person so seeing all my mistakes so clearly in the last couple months has been a giant whallup to my sense of value. I have terribly unhealthy coping mechanisms when I feel cornered, stupid or under considerable stress. I know that part of being human is making mistakes but I have a really hard time making mistakes (yes, I know that is perfectionism).
I really want to develop better coping strategies and I want to live in reality, to face the brokenness in side of me and allow the Lord to heal it. But some days, it's easier to sit and watch TV on my computer or scan Facebook, than to sit with the Lord and look at what I dislike and sometimes hate about myself and do the hard work with Him to allow His Truth to heal me. The Lord has been showing me that my understanding of my value and identity has been infiltrated with lies. He is slowly starting to redeem the corners of my spirit that have believed the lies and has started to dig out those roots so that new life can spring up from within me.
I am really thankful that the Lord allowed me the time to rest and visit friends and family back home. It was timely and much needed. I also love that He was with me and was working on me throughout that time. I cling to the fact that He is making perfect what is imperfect in me and that He does not leave us and is determined to complete His good work in us. And I love that He has gifted me with the community walking through Modular B with me, where I can go and get to the heart of the matter, in order to walk it out when I get back home. And I desire to be an overflowing expression of His Glory!
So I will remind myself: In our busy-ness it is easy to set our course and fly straight on till morning avoiding taking time to spend with Jesus and do the hard work of allowing Him to heal us. But Jesus is the only way to security, love, a new heart of flesh that is receptive to God instead of a heart of stone (Ezekiel 36:26-27).
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