Growing is hard sometimes

I went to my modular session through Ellel Ministries this last weekend.  I always come home with so much to think about and process.  We were talking about and working through our relationships last weekend.  It is always surprising where those weekends take me.  I am a highly introspective person anyway but inevitably there is something about myself and my behaviours that I have overlooked and need to acknowledge and allow the Lord to start changing.

This last weekend I was reminded that as friendly as I am and as much as I love people and getting to know them, I have a solid wall around myself that most people in my life never get to see over.  This happens due to a number of different factors but boils down to me self-protecting.  The idea that I can protect myself better than God can and an instinctual reaction due to my sinful nature.

So this month I am working on allowing God to carry my relationships to whatever level he wants them to go.  I am also working on expressing my needs and emotions with discernment into the situation before me.  I am REALLY not good at this.  Somewhere in my history I obtained the belief that I should not show any anger, hurt or frustration and fear grips me when I go to share those things with people.  I am not sure where this belief came from but it is false and has to change.  It is so hard to renew my mind and overcome old patterns of behaviour and thought.  Thankfully I have Jesus working with me on it but it's a slow process and really hard for me.

I can share some news now

It has been a whirlwind finish for summer camp this year.  We finished our final week of summer camp and then hosted staff for a couple days to finish off the summer season.  I took 5 folks on a canoe trip to Frontenac Provincial Park (felt like our camp backyard, it was that close) and 3 had never been on trip before.  It was great!  We paddled a little, hiked a lot and slept in!  I am always glad to be on trip and even more thankful when it ends off a busy season because it gives me the time and space to really start processing and helps me transition to the next season or head space.

Summer was made a little crazier by way of a major transition happening at work.  Camp has been going through a process of realigning with our mission/vision, which is a great thing, and needed.  However, that meant, in light of our mission, that we have begun some large changes.  Part of that included some lay-offs and changes around focus and how much we do.  I didn't know until a couple weeks ago whether I would still be working there or not.  I am still working at camp but my role has changed slightly, we are changing what we do (a little) and our staff team will be smaller.  

It has been a challenging month but God has been steadfast through it all.  I have had a consistent measure of peace through the whole process, although daily emotions were on a roller-coaster of highs and lows the last few weeks of waiting.  I have been encouraged by how prayerful the board has been through this and that the decisions made were not taken lightly nor done hastily.  The timing in one respect made things challenging as we had to wait for quite a while to hear news but I am thankful that they were looking to the Lord to make those decisions.  I would never want to work in a ministry that was not looking to the Lord for direction and really listening to hear His plan for that ministry.

As I have been so transient in my life, I fully expected that the Lord would move me, and I was content with either outcome.  It was a little surprising that I am staying at camp (part of me was excited by new possibilities in the wide world) but I am peaceful about retaining my job.  It is hard to know what the next 6 months will look like, but I am confident that I will be leaning on My Beloved for strength, wisdom and courage in those weeks.

If you are a praying person, please add me and camp to your prayer list.  We are going to feel the affects of transition for some time to come and I appreciate all the prayer you can manage for us.

The physical rains came on the same day the staff started hearing about their jobs.  We were glad for the rains, as camp and canoe tripping are so much better without a fire ban (yeah campfires and campfire cooking)!  I think that staff were glad to know, even when the news was hard, cause the waiting was wearing on us all.  

I am learning to trust the Lord and waiting on His peace for this season.....and His strength as I am tired and we start a new season on Tuesday.   

A little help hauling wood!

Today I had a little help with moving my firewood from outside to in.  It was fabulous to get most of it done and fun to hangout with a friend I don't see too often.  (Thanks D!)  So here is the progress.  I decided to start another pile on the other side of the garage instead of two rows by the door.  This allows more room for splitting and making kindling later!  My wood stove will be keeping me warm this winter!

This Might Be A Little Disjointed!

Cappuccino Foam Art

There are many things I love about living and working in community but there are some things that are challenging and often times hard about it as well.  I am a somewhat sensitive person, OK, I am a highly-sensitive person!  This creates great difficulty for me when living in community because I am aware of so much going on and become over-stimulated very quickly.

To those of you who are not easily overwhelmed by the sheer number of things happening around you......enjoy your sense of calm.  Because for those of us highly-sensitive types......life with lots happening around us tends to create sensory overload and the only solution I have found to relieve some of that pressure is removing the stimulus.  

So living in community is wonderful because I get to speak into so many lives and see people change and grow.  However, I have to work hard at not taking other people's responsibilities on myself.  I call them responsibilities but sometimes they are issues or challenges.

Living with Fran and Jim in Thunder Bay was such a blessing to me and one of the lasting lessons I have taken from there, is about responsibilities.  I have been working for years on carrying only my responsibilities (monkeys) on my back.  In our house in Thunder Bay we often asked each other what monkeys were on the other's back.  We carry our own and sometimes (unhealthily) we carry somebody else's.

So we have to chuck those monkeys that are not our challenges/responsibilities/issues off our backs.

They tend to cling and we tend to grab them back but we have to keep throwing them off.

Living in community offers me many times a day to practise this discipline of only carrying what is mine through life.....and really Jesus gives me the strength to do that.

So many people have heard me say.....get that monkey off your back, that's not your responsibility.

What monkeys am I carrying today?  Which ones are mine?  Which are not mine?

Throwing those monkeys off that are not mine, is healthy, and allows me to lessen the overwhelming feeling of living with so much and so many around me.

Today what monkeys are you carrying?  Which ones are yours?  Which ones are not?

Time to throw those monkeys that are not yours off your back!