I went to my modular session through Ellel Ministries this last weekend. I always come home with so much to think about and process. We were talking about and working through our relationships last weekend. It is always surprising where those weekends take me. I am a highly introspective person anyway but inevitably there is something about myself and my behaviours that I have overlooked and need to acknowledge and allow the Lord to start changing.
This last weekend I was reminded that as friendly as I am and as much as I love people and getting to know them, I have a solid wall around myself that most people in my life never get to see over. This happens due to a number of different factors but boils down to me self-protecting. The idea that I can protect myself better than God can and an instinctual reaction due to my sinful nature.
So this month I am working on allowing God to carry my relationships to whatever level he wants them to go. I am also working on expressing my needs and emotions with discernment into the situation before me. I am REALLY not good at this. Somewhere in my history I obtained the belief that I should not show any anger, hurt or frustration and fear grips me when I go to share those things with people. I am not sure where this belief came from but it is false and has to change. It is so hard to renew my mind and overcome old patterns of behaviour and thought. Thankfully I have Jesus working with me on it but it's a slow process and really hard for me.
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