Longing for HOME

English is a funny language. There are so many words that sound the same but have multiple meanings. Some are spelled the same while some are spelled differently yet sound the same. Currently I have been thinking about the word HOME.

Home is always spelled the same but can be a noun, verb, adverb or adjective, as you can see by some quick research at Dictionary.com. However, HOME means something different to everyone, even when we use it to represent a similar idea in our speech. For example, when I say that I am going home, this could mean almost anywhere, unless I give it more definition within our conversation. I often refer to visiting my family in Manitoba as "going home" but also then say that I am going home, when I refer to coming back to Ontario. It's a tricky word to really understand the meaning of, as it has so much to do with an individual person's context and ideas.

I have often been moved by the word HOME. The thought of going HOME has been one of joy and expectation. Wondering where HOME is, has often brought thoughtful contemplation and sometimes anxiety or fear. The idea of HOME has brought longing and sometimes loneliness or sadness. But no matter what HOME we are talking about, it always brings some kind of emotional response.

Recently I have been struggling with such a LONGING for HOME. Often I think that my longing for HOME will be satisfied if I move back to Winnipeg and am closer to my family. But when I really inquire of the Lord in my longing, it is not Winnipeg or my family that will satisfy this longing for HOME. But the Lord Himself and heaven. Dwelling with my Creator.

I long for HOME and peace, for joy inexhaustible and an end to evil and strife. I long for the Bridegroom and King to rule and reign in eternity. I long for Eternity and right relationship with God and with everyone else.

Eternity is the HOME I long for and only One can satisfy that longing, Jesus. Longing for something that can not be fully satisfied until heaven or Jesus' return is challenging in my sinful state because that I try so hard to fulfill that longing myself, or bury it or numb it.

I am excited to tabernacle with the Lord and dwell in His house forever. To sing to Him and speak with Him in the beauty of His throne room, in the Temple of the City of our God. My imagination is not good enough to even come close to how beautiful the Lord is and what the City of God will look like but my heart and my spirit yearn for it.

Some days I just want to go HOME!

Stand

I have a ceramic tile.  Yep, a tile.  There's only one because a friend gave it to me, to remind me of something.  What does a tile remind you of?

For me, the tile is to remind me that it's okay just to stand firm in the Lord.  Just stand there.  It is one tile.  I can't tile the floor with it, can't walk down it like a road, can't even really move it when I am standing on it.  But it is firm.  It helps create a foundation.  A solid place to put my feet.  I stand on it.

My tile represents my foundation in the Lord, Yahweh, the God of Israel.  So I stand on the Lord.  In all the movement of my life circumstances (moods/emotions, thought-life, physical size fluctuations, job description changes, friendship changes, etc) I can stand firm on the foundation of Jesus as my Saviour and Lord.  On God the Father, creating me for His pleasure and enjoyment.  On Holy Spirit to strengthen me and hold me together.  On Truth and on Love.

It's just a tile, but when I look at it, I am reminded that I am not my own but I stand because of the One who created me and He created me to be loved for eternity.  I stand because that is all I have been able to do this winter, just stand there.  I have not had the energy to gain ground, to learn and grow in the Lord or to increase my ministry opportunities.  I feel exhausted and like a failure but I have stood my ground.  I have stood on top of the foundation that my grandparents and parents laid for me, that I chose as a twelve-year-old and that I continue to choose today.

I am standing firm on the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  And that is enough.  Standing here is enough...............

but man has it been hard.

Growing is hard sometimes

I went to my modular session through Ellel Ministries this last weekend.  I always come home with so much to think about and process.  We were talking about and working through our relationships last weekend.  It is always surprising where those weekends take me.  I am a highly introspective person anyway but inevitably there is something about myself and my behaviours that I have overlooked and need to acknowledge and allow the Lord to start changing.

This last weekend I was reminded that as friendly as I am and as much as I love people and getting to know them, I have a solid wall around myself that most people in my life never get to see over.  This happens due to a number of different factors but boils down to me self-protecting.  The idea that I can protect myself better than God can and an instinctual reaction due to my sinful nature.

So this month I am working on allowing God to carry my relationships to whatever level he wants them to go.  I am also working on expressing my needs and emotions with discernment into the situation before me.  I am REALLY not good at this.  Somewhere in my history I obtained the belief that I should not show any anger, hurt or frustration and fear grips me when I go to share those things with people.  I am not sure where this belief came from but it is false and has to change.  It is so hard to renew my mind and overcome old patterns of behaviour and thought.  Thankfully I have Jesus working with me on it but it's a slow process and really hard for me.

Settling in....it will just take time!

It's been 2 weeks since we moved to Perth, ON and we are settling in to a routine.  Life in Perth is different than outside of Westport.  I can walk to places, not that I have yet, and it feels like there are more options for evening activities.  It is a short walk or drive to those activities, so I am more inclined to get out in the evening.

I joined a local concert band.  It is a fun mix of ages and abilities although I am in some serious need of practice.  I haven't played seriously since high school and that was a long time ago.  I have picked up my flute periodically and run some scales but this will be interesting.  I have a while before we actually play in public, but I will be practicing so that I can at least pretend to keep up a little this coming week.

As apartments go we were blessed with a nicely renovated one.  The stove smells when we use it because it is so new and the whole apartment still has a slightly new renovation smell to it.  That will soon change but it's taking some adjustment to get used to living here.  For Laura and Faith too, I am sure.  I struggle most with the light that comes through my window at night, it's the orange glow of city light-pollution, not a white moon.  I don't really enjoy that, but I always sleep with the blinds open so I maximize the sun in the morning.  I have also had trouble with the noise.  Most people would probably say it's quiet but there is traffic and a train that I am not used to.  And I miss laying in my bed, looking out at the forest.  In the place at Little Crosby Lake Road, it was like sleeping in the forest because there were so many windows and it was only a ground floor.  We are on the 6th floor in Perth and I can see the Mark's Work Warehouse sign when I look out the balcony window, that a little weird still.

I will get used to it....it will just take time.  That is the latest phrase I repeat to myself.  It will just take time.  As we have changed the staffing structure at work, it will just take time to transition.  It will just take time to figure out how to work with less people.  It will just take time to figure out my new role.

So it will just take time.

PS  I wrote this weeks ago and am only now posting it.  A little update is in order.  Laura, Faith and I are learning to live together and have to keep reminding each other of how recently we actually moved.  It feels like we have been here longer than we have.  So patience and grace is what we are practicing!  And the train is getting less noticeable but some days it's still really LOUD!  Work is just going to take time to adjust too and I feel a little like I won't be able to keep up with the added tasks and duties, but in reality......it will just take time!

How do you respond to spending time in the desert?

I know the desert is beautiful and lovely, for a day or two, but how about months or years? I am not sure I could spend my life in a desert.  It's arduous and feels desolate and lonely.  I would rather spend my years beside cool waters, on a rock face, near a forest.  A season in the wilderness or desert is probably good for me but it's getting tiring.  I think of the Israelites "wandering" in the desert for 40 years.  Seriously, I wouldn't make it without complaining, not even a month probably.  I am not sure how any of them made it across the River Jordan and really am not surprised that very few did.


I like to think that I would be like Joshua and Caleb, but really I probably would have died in the desert, even though God's manifest presence was there, day and night.  I am not very good at living in desolate places nor am I good at trusting the Lord yet.  So that's probably what the Lord is trying to teach me in this season....trust.

The Lord uses worship songs and music to speak to me and to connect with me.  He really places songs in my path with pointed messages for me, in answer to my call to Him, or in answer to my conversations with Him. For those of you who spend time in church you are probably thinking "so what?", God connects with everyone through music and why wouldn't worship music speak to everyone.....but I think God uses different media for different people in different ways.

The Lord does not move in scripture quite the same way He moves in music for me. I love scripture and He does speak to me through it, but when I really want to connect with the Lord, my love language is music/singing/songs, especially His Word put to music. And as much as I can have some theological discussion or read good books and He speaks through those.  And as much as I enjoy watching people dance and paint and use their gifts in worship of the Lord......my whole being comes alive when I am singing in worship!


So I have come across a song that might not be new to you, but it is rather new to me and has become a beacon of light in this dry and weary wilderness season, so I will share it with you.

God I Look To You - Jenn Johnson/Ian McIntosh

God I look to you

I won't be overwhelmed

Give me vision

To see things like you do

Lord I look to you

I won't be overwhelmed

Give me wisdom

You know just what to do

I will love You Lord my strength 

I will love You Lord my shield 

I will love You Lord my rock forever 

All my days I will love You God 

Hallelujah our God reigns 

Hallelujah our God reigns 

Hallelujah our God reigns forever 

All my days Hallelujah 

Tag (sung by an IHOP-KC worship team): 

I lift my eyes 

Up to the hills 

Where does my help come from 

It comes from You and You alone

Waiting in the Desert

This summer has been busy....as you may have guessed. I tend to post less when I get busy.

Newsy item:  I had a week off to see my friends, Rosie and Kevin, get married in Winnipeg. This also meant I spent time with my family and other friends there. It was refreshing to go to a summer wedding and to have some time off in the middle of the rush. I really enjoyed the time and felt more rested getting back into camp.

Other than working and taking a week to vacation, I don't have much of an exciting life right now. I spend long days at camp and when I get home, I am pretty tired, so reading and watching movies with my housemate has become a normal routine. I have made some time to visit other friends but really I work... a lot!

I am in a season of waiting and that has been stretching. I am not really a good wait-er. I like to think I have patience and trust the Lord, but really when He asks me to wait, I have very little discipline and get very anxious. So the Lord and I are sitting together waiting. I am definitely waiting for some answers to my questions and He is definitely waiting for me to develop patience and discipline.....I am not sure who will wait longer at this point...probably the Lord.

Misty Edwards sings a song that I have been playing in my car lately. Here are the lyrics:

Oh I'm waiting in this desert

Just waiting for the rain 

Oh but I won't leave this desert 

Until I see the rain 

And I'm waiting in this wilderness 

Of promises yet fulfilled 

Oh but I won't leave this wilderness 

Until I see the rain 

I'm waiting for the rain 

Oh I'm waiting for the rain 

I'm just waiting for the rain 

Oh I'm waiting for the rain 

For I have heard the story told of a prophet who prophesied 

Of the rain that would come in the middle of a drought 

As a sign of the rain to come 

And though years have come and years have gone 

We're still waiting for the rain 

Oh but I can see the clouds gathering now 

Are you ready, are you ready for the rain? 

Open up the heavens and let it rain, 

let it rain, let it rain 

Open up the heavens and let it rain, 

let it rain, let it rain 

Open up the heavens and let it rain, 

let it rain, let it rain 

Open up the heavens and let it rain, 

Just let it rain, let it rain 

God let it rain, let it rain 

Let it rain 

I have spent weeks praying for rain in the physical and in the spiritual. I believe that the Lord will bring rain in His time, but the waiting is hard. I can't see where the rain will come from and all I see around me is brown and desolate. I am waiting for the rain.

Second to the right, and straight on till morning....

How far away is NeverNeverland?  And how to do you get there?  The answer is pretty simple, you look into the sky, see the second star to the right and fly straight on till morning.  So simple when you think about it.....so complicated when you go to do it.

That's been the last month for me.  So simple and yet so complicated. I feel like I'm Al Pacino in 'Scent of Woman' driving blind.

I got back to work to spend the last couple weeks of April feeling completely out of the loop and at a loss as to how to do my job.  During April last year, I was furiously finishing the final prep for the spring season and welcoming staff to Camp.  This year......I was.......slowly trying to figure out each day what I was supposed to be doing.  I can't say that I minded not knowing some things however it is weird for me not to know a whole lot of what's going on, and that just taps into some of my deepest issues, such as value and identity.

I started working on a few things that I was pretty sure needed doing.  I was also shifted to host late a few nights a week and to participate in some paddle training events.  Between late hosting shifts (2-10pm) based out of the dining hall, cooking out trip menu items and being out on the water doing paddle training with my staff, I did not spent much time in the office in April and early May.  I have loved the paddle time and getting to know staff better in a different environment, however, I still feel out of the loop, and like I am missing something that will be hard to fix later (that's the driving blind reference).

I keep praying that the Lord will direct either myself or someone at work to catch things I am not aware of so that I can make sure they get done before summer.

As I shared in my last post, my vacation was good but it was interestingly full of revelation.  The Lord kept highlighting moments where my insecurities were triggered.  Well, guess what?!  They did not get resolved upon coming back to life and work.  In some ways, my insecurities are heightened and in the two weeks leading up to the start of Ellel Modular B, which I am taking this year......the Lord was not letting off the hook.

At home and at work, the Lord was pointing out my behaviour and showing me the truth of how I was reacting and trying to cope.  It was not pretty....and probably still isn't.  I stated throughout Modular A that God likes to start the learning process at least a couple days before each modular weekend, thus preparing me for what I will be working on with Him during the sessions.  It should not have surprised me that the teaching would be on exchanging lies for truth and allowing the Lord to change me and my behaviour by getting rid of the roots of those lies.

Alas, I was surprised.  I thought 'Transformed by the Renewing of Your Mind', sounded like a light start to Modular B and was not connecting my behaviour to that topic at all.  Yep, I was a little stunned when Friday nights' teaching was all about the stuff that I had been trying to deal with in the weeks prior to that session.

I have been undone at times and frazzled at other times, overwhelmed by seeing myself with new eyes and trying to figure out how to change behaviour that seems so much a part of myself.  I am not a very secure person so seeing all my mistakes so clearly in the last couple months has been a giant whallup to my sense of value.  I have terribly unhealthy coping mechanisms when I feel cornered, stupid or under considerable stress.  I know that part of being human is making mistakes but I have a really hard time making mistakes (yes, I know that is perfectionism).

I really want to develop better coping strategies and I want to live in reality, to face the brokenness in side of me and allow the Lord to heal it.  But some days, it's easier to sit and watch TV on my computer or scan Facebook, than to sit with the Lord and look at what I dislike and sometimes hate about myself and do the hard work with Him to allow His Truth to heal me.  The Lord has been showing me that my understanding of my value and identity has been infiltrated with lies.  He is slowly starting to redeem the corners of my spirit that have believed the lies and has started to dig out those roots so that new life can spring up from within me.

I am really thankful that the Lord allowed me the time to rest and visit friends and family back home.  It was timely and much needed.  I also love that He was with me and was working on me throughout that time.  I cling to the fact that He is making perfect what is imperfect in me and that He does not leave us and is determined to complete His good work in us.  And I love that He has gifted me with the community walking through Modular B with me, where I can go and get to the heart of the matter, in order to walk it out when I get back home.  And I desire to be an overflowing expression of His Glory!

So I will remind myself:  In our busy-ness it is easy to set our course and fly straight on till morning avoiding taking time to spend with Jesus and do the hard work of allowing Him to heal us.  But Jesus is the only way to security, love, a new heart of flesh that is receptive to God instead of a heart of stone (Ezekiel 36:26-27).

I said I would keep you posted.....

Welcome to the end of week 5 of my 6 week break!  I have been thinking about posting for a couple weeks but have struggled to know where to start or what to write.  If you have followed this blog for any length of time, you will have noticed that this struggle is not unusual, even as it frustrates me.

So we'll start where I left off...

The bathroom looks great and is a refreshing change from the overwhelming yellow-gross colour that formerly dominated the room.  My flatmate and I had a great time in Syracuse, shopping and relaxing in a hotel there.  Then I flew away on the wings of an United Airlines commuter plane to disembark in the almost tropical (26 degrees Celsius) climate of Kansas City, Missouri (pronounced 'miz-UR-ah' by southerners, so Mr. Jim tells me and I believe him cause I heard it more than once).

Kansas City, MO.  

There is always some confusion when I go to KC, from so many people.  They ask, 'Where are you going?'  And I excitedly say, 'To IHOP'.  And they look at my funny and say, 'For how long?'.  And I reply with increased enthusiasm, '12 days!' or whatever length of time I am going for.  Then I have to explain to them that I am going to the International House of Prayer not the International House of Pancakes.  Again they look a little puzzled but accept that I would be flying halfway across to the country to pray for 12 days more readily than the possibility of me going to eat pancakes for 12 days.  The first time I ever told people that I was going to 'IHOP' I truly did not know the Pancake House existed, so it was an honest mistake.  Now I still do not think about the Pancake House when I say it, but I am making a conscious effort to say IHOP-KC in order to help them out.  I completely understand where I am going and what I am talking about, but I will make accommodation for those who do not live in my brain.

IHOP-KC has always been a very busy place for me and a place that included my sister.  I would go down there to visit her because she worked there, and got the bonus of spending hours with Jesus in the prayer room.  So I would plan my schedule around hers.  The first few times I was there I went to the OneThing conference which was ridiculously busy!  It's an amazing conference but helping my sister prepare and then attending the conference morning till night for 5 days was always exhausting for my little introverted personality.  It always felt like we were running, even as it was very life-giving.

This visit was VERY different because it was far less busy and it was the first time I had been there since my sister moved back to Canada.  So the first few days were strange and I had to learn how to BE, without her there.  Have you ever had the experience of spending time in a place with a specific person always in attendance and not have them with you the next time you go there?  It was weird.  It was like these familiar places and people were unfamiliar again.  There was definitely an air of something missing, especially the first few days in the house she used to live in.  All I can say is this... it was a strange type of re-learning:  a place I already knew well, a space I was already comfortable in, and people I already knew and loved.

As I re-learned how to be in KC, I realized that my identity down there was completely entangled with my sister.  The Lord, in His kindness, kept showing me that I relied on her status (and previously her being there) to make me feel part of things and worth getting to know (in other words valued).   He allowed insecurity to rise and for me to grapple with who I was there....which ultimately is grappling with who I am here and everywhere (I will probably share more on that later).

For now, you have probably heard enough.  But this was only week 2 of 6 weeks, so there will be many more entries as I process this through.

Thoughts from summer - written sometime in September

It's hard to believe that summer is gone.  It has not rained too much but the wind and cooler temperatures are a reminder that fall has officially begun in my world.  Fall is here in eastern Ontario and the trees are turning to brilliant reds, oranges and yellows.

As I am the Fall staff team leader, my work life does not slow down much but changes from the roller coaster of summer to the a more rhythmic hustle.  I usually say that summer is 'frenetic' where as the other seasons are 'busy'.  I have discovered, over the last 3 years, that camp only has slow months, not slow seasons and I have learned to pace myself to make it through the year.  I love hosting people and interacting with them but it is nice to work on other things sometimes.

In the transition between summer and fall, I was granted a little more space than the transition between spring and summer.  And with space comes introspection and processing through the last 2 seasons of work and life.  Here are some of my thoughts coming out of 4 jam-packed months.

This spring/summer our staff (including myself) were learning about listening.

Listening to God
Listening to each other
Listening to themselves

I am not sure if they knew that this was a theme of summer and it was certainly not one we announced.  But looking back as I chatted with staff or Assistant staff, I realize now that I kept asking them what God thought, what campers thought/needed, what other staff were thinking or feeling and what were they themselves internally processing.

We do not often stop to listen in our culture.  We are caught up in what we think or have to say, what we want and ultimately what we do (I have not missed the irony of this statement as I am blogging my thoughts).

Listening to God...
I hear folks say that they wished they knew what God was telling them or what He wanted them to do...but rarely do they stop, sit down and really spend some time listening.  The Lord is gracious and compassionate and answers those who call on Him.  But like Elijah found in the wilderness, the Lord is not often loud in His communication with us but speaks in the quiet whisper.  It is in the secret place with the Lord that we close out all the distractions of this world and press into relationship with Him.  It's here that we learn who He is and consequently how to listen to and recognize His voice.  Why don't we spend more time in the secret place with Him?

Listening to each other...
Community is only as rich and supportive as the people who are in it.  It is not very supportive if everyone is always focused on themselves and what they want.  As North Americans we have seen the result of a 'ME' focused, highly individualized society.  As we learn to listen to others our world gains depth due to the relationships we have in it.  We learn about others, about God and ourselves through our relationships.  But we must listen to the other in order to hear them.  Why don't we listen more to each other?

Listening to ourselves...
We don't even stop and listen to, or process, what is going on inside of us, any more than we listen to each other.  We might slow down enough to acknowledge when we are upset with someone.  But we do not naturally sit to process that and see if that is about the other or actually about ourselves.  We teach each other that busy-ness is fulfilling and somehow gives one value.  True value is found only in The Lord.  Why don't we stop more to process and work through life's stuff with ourselves?

I think the answer to all three of these questions is FEAR.  Fear of God, others, ourselves.  Fear that if we sit in silence, in the secret place with God, that all of our crap will drive our Heavenly Father away.  Fear that if people really knew us, they would leave or if we really listened to them, we might have to walk with them through their crap.  Fear of what we might discover if we started looking closely at ourselves.  Fear that we might not hear anything at all.

When we spend time with the Lord, we learn what matters to Him and what's on His heart for us and the world.  We are changed by encounter with The Lord of Hosts!  It is freeing and increases the depths of relationships when we allow the other to see who we are and what we struggle with and to see who they are and what they struggle with.  One of the best investments we can make in people is our time and often our honesty about how we are doing.  We gain understanding when we look at ourselves and work through the hard parts, not by covering them up or pretending they don't exist.  Escaping from ourselves is not fulfilling in the long run, even if it feels better in the present.

So we need to face FEAR.  We need to stand firm in the knowledge and experience of Christ's love and His blood shed for us.  We need to listen in order to move forward in our life with Christ.

But will I take the time????

Spiritually rich or barren?

Are you spiritually rich or barren?

Are your eyes focused on heavenly or earthly things?

Who or what satisfies your hunger?

Are you well taken care of in the physical but spiritually malnourished?

This week we had summer staff training.  It is always a little more intense than most weeks at camp, as we are trying to build foundations in new staff and build on foundations with returning or older staff.  We spend a lot of the day in sessions and have a speaker come in to teach from God's Word.  It is good and tiring all at once.

The staff theme verse is from Matthew 5:6 "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied".  We established that everyone hungers/thirsts.  That hunger was built into us by God and we are to look to Him to satisfy.  However, most of the time, we look to earthly things to satisfy and spend our lives seeking what is empty and only distracts us for a moment.

Dave Enns, the speaker, asked us if we had ever yearned or longed for something that took some time to get.  Like a new computer, an iPod, a house, a car, that boyfriend/girlfriend, better health, more knowledge, etc?  How did we feel when we got it?  Were we satisfied and never longed for anything again?  If we were honest, we admitted that those things only distract us from our hunger for a moment but soon after we get them, they tarnish and we lose interest because they were never meant to satisfy that hunger inside of us.

Why do we go to God only after trying other things first?  I do this.  I try to distract myself, to escape from whatever I have trouble dealing with, to fulfill that hunger with things that are temporal.  Only when I am desperate and have found these other things to be empty do I go to the Lord.

We are so materially rich in Canada but our society is so spiritually barren.  Even in our churches, people are putting material things, family/friends and activities before the Lord.  They trust in themselves instead of God to provide and feed on entertainment instead of God's Word.  I am guilty of this too and this week have been convicted in session and in reading George Muller's thoughts that I am not seeking the right avenue to satisfy my hunger.  This needs to change and it will not be easy to walk out.

George Muller writes "Truly, it is worth being poor and greatly tried in faith for the sake of having such precious, daily proof of the loving interest which our kind Father takes in everything that concerns us...If the hearts of the children of God are comforted and their faith strengthened, it is worth being poor and greatly tried in faith.  Those who do not know God may read or hear of His dealings with us and see that faith in God is more than a mere notion.  There is indeed reality in Christianity...Our trials of faith during these seventeen months lasted longer and were sharper than during any previous period.  Yet, the orphans had everything they needed in the way of nourishing food and clothing.  We look back at the trials of our faith with perfect joy and peace, knowing that our God did not fail us even once.  In our dependence on Him for every need, we have come to know in a fuller way that we are truly partners with Him in this work."

George's ministry had never been monetarily rich, however, in the last 17 months, they were daily asking for provision and seeing it come in the very hour they needed it.  Previously, there seemed to be larger sums of money coming more regularly, so that they had a few days or even weeks provided for.  Lately, George would wake up, ask God to send money or food for the day and then go to the orphanages to see if something had come.  Each time, God provided, sometimes not even an hour before the next meal.    This was a trial of faith for all involved as they had to trust that God would provide their most basic needs (food, clothing, coal) each and every day.

I am thankful that I do not live in that kind of need.  But what would their faith look like and what kinds of things would those children do for God in their adult years, as they stepped out in faith knowing that God would go before them and provide for them?

A little more George....but mostly thoughts on how God loves to be in the details of our lives

Since we last checked in with George and Mary, their ministry has grown again and George's health has been an issue.  Currently in my reading he has be granted some time off in Trowbridge to rest and hopefully gain some measure of health before returning to work.  I thought I would post one of his entries so you would see how God takes care of him.  Even the most minor details of George's life, God cares about those and sees to George's needs.  

"September 7.  I arrived in Trowbridge .  This has been a very good day.  I had much communion with the Lord.  How kind He is to take me from the work in Bristol for a season and give me more communion with Himself.  I remembered the Lord's special blessing on me in this place at the beginning of last year.  How kind He has been since!  I prayed much for myself, for the Church at large, for the saints here and in Bristol, for my unconverted relatives, for my dear wife, and that the Lord would supply my own temporal necessities and those of the orphans" 

[FYI...in Bristol they have 3 orphan houses with about 250 children living in them and they pray daily for their needs as they live only by what the Lord sends them].  

"I know that He has heard me.  I am surrounded with kind friends and I feel quite at home.  My room is far better than I need, but an easy chair to kneel before in prayer would add to my comfort since my body is so weak.  

In the afternoon, without making a hint about it, I found that someone had placed and easy chair into my room.  I was amazed by the special kindness of my heavenly Father.  He is mindful of the smallest wants and comforts of his children."

As I read this portion of George's story, I was struck again at how the Father delights in His children and gives good gifts.  No, he doesn't always heal us, or take away struggle/sorrow/strife but He still delights in us.  God didn't heal George but saw a small detail and granted George some comfort in his ordeal.  Often I look to God to fix it all but forget that sometimes it's in the small comforts He gives us through the challenges that really show us His heart and character.

If I were a parent, I would delight in giving my children small things that would make them smile up at me, letting them know how much of my heart they have captured.  How much more does God the Father do that for us?  How much more does Jesus the Bridegroom delight in His bride?  How much more does Holy Spirit want to shower us with good gifts?

This week my friend AR came from Winnipeg to visit.  God gifted me with the ability to pick her up from the airport, time to spend with her during the next day while she got to participate in an afternoon at camp.  It was a gift to have her here just at the right time and to be able to share my space with her.  She so willingly opens her home to me when I go home to visit and I was excited to do the same for her.  God was even in the timing of me picking her up from the airport.  I was late due to torrential rains but she got to the luggage carousel just as I parked my car....how great is the God of details!  I am so thankful that He is working those details out for me!

There is nothing in our lives that God is too big and important to care about.  I find comfort in this, as it is the small details of life that add up to overwhelm us.  It is also the small details that if we steward well, God sees and will grant us larger tasks.  I am thankful that God works in the details because it is in these small things that I feel cherished and loved by him, not just the large requests that I make.  It's like having an earthly friend who knows your favourite meal and prepares that one when you come visit.  You know they care because they took note of something important to you and blessed you with it.  Or the friend who drops off your favourite cookies just because, or calls you just to catch up, or leaves a pile of wood by your doorstep because they heard you were out (I still haven't found out who did this, but I was so blessed by it, not because I would have been cold but because wood heat is so much nicer than the baseboard heat that is the other option)!

That is God!  He takes note of things in my/your life that you like, that you are good at, that would bless you and then works in those details to bring you delight.  Some people would say that is coincidence but I know my God, who is for me, loves to make me smile and works in the details....to His glory.

Another pillar of faith to learn from......George Muller.

Today I started reading George Muller's Autobiography.  It's an interesting mix of writing styles.  Often he will default to his journal entries, however, some of it is in narrative form.  He had a dramatic conversion during his 20's, which led him to heartily renounce the things of this world.  He spent hours in his prayer closet in order to "gird" himself for his day.  He reminds me of Bob Sorge who wrote, "Secrets of the Secret Place".  It also inspires me to spend more time with God to see how that changes my day and my ability to hear Holy Spirit in my daily life.

So right now George has just spent 4 years without a formal salary.  He asked the church to dispense with the traditional salary as the church members were purchasing pews in order to pay the pastor.  He wanted them to cheerfully give and to create egality for the rich and poor in his congregation, they could then sit where ever they chose.  So he set out a donation box, which the church brethren would open periodically and give to him.  He never went without and often had enough to share.

It is a great test of faith to trust God for your finances, we live in the age of the Kardashians and Joneses.  In the past 8 months of living in this little house I have leaned more on God for my provision again.  God has blessed me to be able to give even though I am on a tight budget, which brings me joy.  I love knowing that through my little bit of faithfulness, someone else gets to see God provide too!

In terms of hearing and obeying the voice of God and spending time with God in my prayer closet, I am working on that.  I have recently started just spending time with God in His Word, meditating and letting Holy Spirit really speak through it, rather than doing a study or reading a book on a topic.  It is amazing how challenging it is to make the time to spend with God, but how rich it is when we do.  It's not always direct fruit that comes and some days I read nothing that jumps out and causes me to ponder, however, it is good discipline and those are usually days when I am just doing it, but my heart is distracted by other things.  When I come to God and His Word with an open spirit and really want to meet Him in His Word, then He is faithful and meets me there.

I will keep you posted on George and Mary and their adventures in faith.  I will also try to keep you posted on mine as well.

Laughing at myself.....along with the rest of you!

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Dolly Parton

Into each life some rain must fall.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I logged-in to find this blog post started but not finished nor posted.  It was a rainy April/May here in Eastern Ontario and I am laughing that I felt the need to start blogging about the amount of rain we were receiving.  It was a lot of rain and my lawn was a jungle before A got to come mow it.  Poor kid, it took a long time to mow but he was dedicated and got it done.  I will make to ask him to come sooner in the future.

I have been catching up on friends' blogs and am struck by how honest and open some of them are.  Some are newsy and help me feel connected to the daily lives of friends far away, however, it's the ones that share their hearts where I feel I know about that person, not just what they did.

I know I strike more on the newsy side of the spectrum although some posts are more introspective and give a glimpse into 'Kara' and my heart.  At times I feel free to share me with the world out there but most often I feel exposed, even though I don't really know who reads this.

So do I reveal more of myself and risk it....or do I stay with the status quo....I will let you know when I stop laughing at myself about frivolous blogs about rain.

Two weeks until we vote....again.

My feelings on the coming vote are mostly anger and frustration.  At first, I just wanted to slap some grown men and tell them to stop using every excuse they could think of to get themselves into power.  Now I want to slap both men and women, other politicians or reporters splashing headlines, who glory in the degradation and defamation of others.

Do they really think that another party will be less likely to make mistakes and do things differently?  Do they really think I will trust them more because they point out the faults of the current party in power?  Do I like that the Conservatives have made mistakes and hidden things from us?  Do I expect any more transparency and co-operation from another party if they come to power?

The answer to all these questions in my mind is NO.  I am not thrilled with some of the things coming to light about the Conservatives, however, neither am I anxious to give the government over to the leaders of the "coalition" coup attempt.  I am tired of them whining that they will do it better when we have learned over the years that nobody does it as well as they profess they will, once they are actually working within the confines of public office.

And really, do I really think that you will do a better job at governing when you slam the current people in office and cry wolf after every budget?  It actually makes me lose trust in you and your party because it makes you look like children fighting over a toy.

Why not stand for something instead of listing all the opponents faults and inconsistencies?  I am pretty sick of the whole thing.

So who will I vote for?  At this point, I am looking at the choices in my riding and am going to vote for the one I think will represent me best in the House of Commons, however, that may just fly in the face of the party I really think should govern us......so I will pray.  And then head to the polls when the time comes.

A new version of a familiar verse!

I am reading the A.D. Chronicles by Bodie & Brock Thoene, which is fabulous, and really liked the way one of the characters quoted 1 Corinthians 13.

"Love is kind.  And patient.  It doesn't envy and steal and claim the talents and possessions of another man.  Love keeps its promises even when it hurts.  Love does not boast or crow when it is victorious in battle.  Love heals the wounded rather than destroys the weak.  Love is not motivated by injured pride to destroy the life and work of another.  Love builds up.  It does not tear down.  Love isn't rude or thoughtless in actions or words.  Love is not ambitious or self-seeking or addicted to flattery.  It does not lie and claim it is somehow serving God.  It keeps no record of wrongs or plots ways to take vengeance.  Love is not easily angered, yet neither is it silent when confronting evil.  It does not accept or delight in the actions of an evil man that hurt the innocent.  Love does not defend a lie or accept the persecution of the innocent for the sake of remaining in control.  Love rejoices in the truth.  It always protects.  Always trusts.  Always encourages.  Always hopes.  Alway perseveres.  Yeshua teaches us that Love never fails.  God's love heals all wounds."  (Eighth Shepherd)

I am thankful that God speaks through his people.  Whether writing fiction or non-fiction, when you proclaim The Truth it resounds in the spirits of God's people.  

Thoughts of the Day!

I am very thankful for good friends and the joy that comes from spending time together!

Depression is from the pit of hell and I hate it! Mental health issues are so hard because they suck HOPE out of the hearts of the people.  I am so thankful not to be depressed again and Jesus has the victory over everything, but it's so hard to watch.  So thanks to everyone who walked through those years with me and stuck around.  It's not easy and I appreciate it all.

Snow is beautiful when it falls gently to the ground, while I am snug in my house with a fire in the wood stove.  So much better than the baren ground that has been my backyard for the last week-ish.

Being in a time of threshing is hard...

^{Joel 2:12-14, 19, 23-27}

¹² “Even now,” declares the LORD, 

   “return to me with all your heart, 

   with fasting and weeping and mourning.”

 ¹³ Rend your heart 

   and not your garments. 

Return to the LORD your God, 

   for he is gracious and compassionate, 

slow to anger and abounding in love, 

   and he relents from sending calamity. 

¹⁴ Who knows? He may turn and relent 

   and leave behind a blessing— 

grain offerings and drink offerings 

   for the LORD your God...

¹⁹ The LORD replied to them: 

“I am sending you grain, new wine and olive oil, 

enough to satisfy you fully; 

never again will I make you 

an object of scorn to the nations...

²³ Be glad, people of Zion,

rejoice in the LORD your God, 

for he has given you the autumn rains 

because he is faithful. 

He sends you abundant showers, 

both autumn and spring rains, as before. 

²⁴ The threshing floors will be filled with grain; 

the vats will overflow with new wine and oil. 

²⁵ “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—

the great locust and the young locust, 

the other locusts and the locust swarm— 

my great army that I sent among you. 

²⁶ You will have plenty to eat, until you are full, 

and you will praise the name of the LORD your God, 

who has worked wonders for you; 

never again will my people be shamed.

27 Then you will know that I am in Israel,

that I am the LORD your God, 

and that there is no other; 

never again will my people be shamed.

There is HOPE in the love of the Father through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Take that Fear!

Yesterday we went to Mount Cascades waterpark!  It was great!  It is a ski hill in the winter and some smarty-pants decided to utilize the site in summer and set up a waterpark.

We went early in the morning, and stood in line for it to open but got to ride every slide a couple of times before the lines got to be too long and the midday sun was too hot.  It was only $10 to get in and so I got my money's worth for the couple of hours we were there.  

All my life I have battled fear.  Fear of this, that and practically everything.  One thing I could usually enjoy, with some talking into, were rollercoasters, rides and waterslides.  Yesterday we arrived at the waterpark and I was walking towards a slide that was steep and all I could think was "Can't do it".  Fear, plain and simple, was getting the better of me.

So I stepped out and spoke it to my friends, L and D, who were with me.  Said in a joking manner but serious none-the-less, "This is an overcoming fears day!".  God is faithful and I am a work in progress and yesterday WAS an overcoming fears day.

Secrets and fears have far too much power when we hold them and hide them.  I brought my fear into the light and proclaimed that I was going to overcome and did.  I do not claim that it was all me.  I was bolstered by friends and supported by Jesus the whole day.  And it wasn't just one moment in the day but a number of times fear would creep in again.  I stood firm and enjoyed the day.

I feel silly writing this, as who is really that scared of a waterslide?  But I was.  In that moment and walking up to slides that were steep and that even when I was younger I would have avoided, I was scared.  But I did it anyway and had a lot of fun.  Now there was alot of heart pounding, adrenaline rushing and during some of the steepest drops, I had to remind myself to breath, but I did it and would do it again!

Take that Fear!  And bring on JOY!  

Click here to see a video of one of the slides I went on!!

Give Myself A Break

Where do we get the need to be so hard on ourselves?   I know we need to take a realistic look at ourselves and evaluate...look at what needs improving and to work on it.  But when do we develop the skill of beating ourselves up when we make a mistake?

This may only be an issue for some out there, as there may be people who make mistakes and let it roll off pretty easily but there are so many of us, who take days to process mistakes, struggle to forgive ourselves and who see a mistake as a statement of value.  Where does that start?  And how do we stop it?

The answer to the first question, I don't have and maybe doesn't matter.  Then answer to the second is Jesus.  I know that sounds cliche and trite, but Jesus is the answer.  I can not seem to forgive myself, on my own.  I can't seem to let mistakes GO unless I give Jesus authority/lordship over them and see my value through His eyes.  I just run around telling myself that "I suck" and that devolves into thinking I have less value than other people.

So I go to the cross.  I go and sit at the feet of Jesus and He reminds me that He likes me.  Even when I am making mistakes.  He likes me when I fall down and make a big mess of things.  He LIKES me.  It has nothing to do with what I do, but who He created me to BE!

He is the one who stops the spiral of negative thoughts and once I allow Him to, He is the one to lead me to forgive myself for those things I have done wrong.  It is at the feet of Jesus that I truly understand that I am the image bearer of the Godhead and that my mistakes are NOT a measure of my value at all.

It sometimes takes a long time before I can offer my own forgiveness for my mistakes, but it's worth the time and struggle to get there.  Fortunately each time it gets easier and is a shorter process.

This Might Be A Little Disjointed!

Cappuccino Foam Art

There are many things I love about living and working in community but there are some things that are challenging and often times hard about it as well.  I am a somewhat sensitive person, OK, I am a highly-sensitive person!  This creates great difficulty for me when living in community because I am aware of so much going on and become over-stimulated very quickly.

To those of you who are not easily overwhelmed by the sheer number of things happening around you......enjoy your sense of calm.  Because for those of us highly-sensitive types......life with lots happening around us tends to create sensory overload and the only solution I have found to relieve some of that pressure is removing the stimulus.  

So living in community is wonderful because I get to speak into so many lives and see people change and grow.  However, I have to work hard at not taking other people's responsibilities on myself.  I call them responsibilities but sometimes they are issues or challenges.

Living with Fran and Jim in Thunder Bay was such a blessing to me and one of the lasting lessons I have taken from there, is about responsibilities.  I have been working for years on carrying only my responsibilities (monkeys) on my back.  In our house in Thunder Bay we often asked each other what monkeys were on the other's back.  We carry our own and sometimes (unhealthily) we carry somebody else's.

So we have to chuck those monkeys that are not our challenges/responsibilities/issues off our backs.

They tend to cling and we tend to grab them back but we have to keep throwing them off.

Living in community offers me many times a day to practise this discipline of only carrying what is mine through life.....and really Jesus gives me the strength to do that.

So many people have heard me say.....get that monkey off your back, that's not your responsibility.

What monkeys am I carrying today?  Which ones are mine?  Which are not mine?

Throwing those monkeys off that are not mine, is healthy, and allows me to lessen the overwhelming feeling of living with so much and so many around me.

Today what monkeys are you carrying?  Which ones are yours?  Which ones are not?

Time to throw those monkeys that are not yours off your back!

A Good Reminder!

This morning in church, I was reminded of the power of forgiveness.  My short time at Ellel Derbyshire Downs (last month)  was a reminder of this same principle and was a place of release and healing, through forgiveness.  But this morning, I needed a reminder.

I am continually amazed that God plans for every facet of our fallen nature.  Jesus, before He died, told us to gather, eat bread and wine, in remembrance of Him and in thankfulness for Jesus being the sacrifice that takes away our sin.  It is in our nature to forget quickly, all that He has done for us.  It is not in our nature to quickly forget wrongs, injuries and mistreatment done to us.  However, we are quick to take for granted/forget to be thankful for what Jesus did for us on the cross, to seek forgiveness and to forgive others.  So God set up a moment of remembrance for me today.

What do I mean by that?  Well, I mean that He sets us up to be reminded of those significant truths that He is in the process of teaching us, or has taught us in the past.  I spent time at Ellel taking stock of people and situations where there was unforgiveness and bringing that before God to restore.  Much of that was "Acknowledging hurt", "Choosing to forgive" and "Knowing that Jesus was standing with me in all those situations" (thanks Randy for your message this morning).  

So my reminder moment happened today in the sermon, because I was in the process of forgetting how powerful forgiveness is.  I struggle to forgive myself and in fact have carried unforgiveness towards myself most of my life.  I am not currently carrying unforgiveness towards others but only towards myself and God.  It's true.  I have trouble having grace for myself and allowing my mistakes to be forgiven and in the process forgotten (cast into the sea, perhaps)!  Randy preached a good reminder for me today and then gave us space to come before the Lord and seek to forgive and restore ourselves to Him.

I am very thankful for the chance to come before God with my sin and be freed from that through forgiveness.  I also appreciate that God is faithful and patient with us, as He has to remind me that I am forgiven every time I am tempted to hold on to my mistakes.

As I was sitting in church, during the sermon, the story of the woman of ill-repute coming to wash the feet of Jesus was in my head.  It was a women who's reputation for living in sin was known by everyone in the room.  She comes in and washes Jesus feet with her tears, dries them with her hair and anoints them with a costly bottle of perfume.  The part that stood out in my heart today, as I do frequently come back to this particular story, was Jesus response to the Pharisee (Simon), whose home he was in.  Simon is thinking about this woman's sinfulness and Jesus responds with a parable about forgiving debts and then says "Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little." Luke 7:47

I am reminded that I too come to Jesus' feet as a woman of ill-repute and in need of forgiveness.

I am reminded that we are only free from the weight of anger and bitterness (sin and death) through forgiveness.

I am reminded that I am forgiven much and when I forgive myself my heart creates space to love much.

I am reminded that my response is worship of my Beloved, Jesus.

So, here's a reminder, acknowledge hurt in your life, choose to forgive, know that Jesus was and is standing with you in that, and embrace the love and freedom you will receive through this process!!  May it move you to worship the One who in Love created you.